Since you were the first boy I’ve ever loved, it only seemed right that I’d address you first. I liked you. A lot. I’m not sure if you ever knew but it seemed pretty clear to me that my emotions spoke loudly. It started when you began dating Briesha and she forced us to spend time together because she didn’t want her best friend and her boyfriend at odds. And when I started to get to know you, I think I fell. Hard.
It didn’t help that I felt like you liked me too or at least knew that I liked you so you would do small things that convinced me that you might have felt the same. I didn’t know that my feelings were as strong as they were until I got older and had come out. That’s when I knew the feelings I had for you were romantic. And the fact that your mom and I liked each other and would hang out even without you only helped build the fantasy that I could’ve been the one for you, that I could be the one to put you on the right path. Show you a whole new world of possibility. But as we both know, that never happened.
The day I came over your house after you moved and we were supposed to hang out, you ditched me for AA. You opened the door and both of you were standing there shirtless with looks of guilt splashed across your face. I’m not saying that anything happened between you two but I thought you’d chosen him over me, maybe because he would be less noticeable than me? Anyway, I went home crying that day because not only had I lose the guy I liked but I lost my friend too. Later down the line, I tried getting back into communication with you and to my delight, you responded, even invited me over to hang out.
You don’t know this, but I had decided that if I was going to lose my virginity to someone, it would be you. The day I came over to hang the second time was the day I hoped to lose my virginity to you. I even lied to my mom about where I was going and had my friend cover for me. When I got to your door, I came in and saw you shirtless and I was like “great, we’re halfway there”, but then you dawned your shirt and shoes and pushed me out the door. That’s when I found out that you planned to hang out with your homies from the block. You told me to tone that gay shit down so they wouldn’t say anything. I felt so little like I meant so little to you. Which makes sense considering you probably had no idea that’s how I felt at the time or did you? You didn’t even introduce me to your friends and you guys walked off and left me behind like I didn’t even exist. So I left and went to my aunt’s house and cried to her about the stupid thing I’d just did.
Over the years, I have thought about what might have been if I had told you when were kids how I felt. Still holding out hope that you would feel the same but I know now that would never happen, for many reasons. It took me some time to get over these emotions and thoughts because this was the first time I felt them about a boy. Don’t worry, I’m not writing this to convince you to give this a shot, as stated I know that’s not a possibility for many reasons, but I wanted to close the last bit I think I’ve still been hanging on to. I’d be lying if I said you never crossed my mind, even as an adult. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to be free. Start with a clean slate.
So, I forgive you for doing things that made me think you wanted me in that way and for never telling me how you felt if you did feel the same way. And I forgive myself for holding on to this for so long and being too scared to ever tell you.
I’m sorry if this weird for you but I needed this so I really could move on and stop wondering what if. And please, forgive me if I’ve overstepped any boundaries or made you uncomfortable. Since you were the first boy to break my heart it only seemed right to address you first. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your life.
With the kindest regards,
Inspired by Grace Carter’s: Ashes