You know, thinking back, maybe my feelings were too intense for you to understand at
the time. I’m an intense person. I know this. I have actually been playing the words around and around in my head, what I wanted to say to you in this letter for closure. I’m not a thousand percent sure I have the perfect words to describe how I felt but I’m going to try.
Just like the other guys before you, I guess I read into the signs of my fantasy. I remember the day I told you I liked you and you said that you were straight and didn’t have those feelings for me. I sucked it up. My friends teased me for shooting my shot. I guess I just thought you were so mysterious and cool and had such a strange sense of humor that we’d mesh in a romantic way.
Once again, you were a guy who I’d put so much effort into getting to know only to be rejected in the end. Fun fact, you were actually the first- the first boy to officially reject me. Goodness, I hate that word, but it’s accurate. You were the first guy I’d talked myself into asking out and when you didn’t feel the same and kind of snapped at me, it just kind of crushed my little spirit. But, if I’m being honest, it’s not like I took a hint. I have a history of this. You said no and I should’ve just left it at that but I guess I thought if I asked again you’d have a change of heart. No, no change of heart.
What didn’t help though was the fact after you rejected me you still wanted to hang and chat. That only made me like you more. I tried hating you but you were actually too nice to do that. For the longest just sitting near you and getting a waft of you scent captured me all over again.
By the time we graduated, I had gotten over the idea that you’d ever want me back. Where my turmoil came in was actually my second year in college when I found out that you and my friend at the time we’re seeing each other. And he was a boy. It caused me to go back and question why you didn’t desire me because, at this point, I felt lied to. You said you were straight and that’s the reason you didn’t have those feelings for me but when I find out that you’re being intimate with my friend I can’t help but wonder the real reasons.
Was I just unattractive? Did you not like people with my complexion because that’s a thing in this community? Were you just not comfortable with what you truly desired? Or was it my intense personality that scared you away? As I said, I know I’m an intense person.
I also know that my friend was softer than me. Did he just make you more comfortable? Did I just make you uncomfortable?
These are the questions I debated back and forth in my head but I knew I wouldn’t get an answer. When I found out that you two had been canoodling, I called my friend up and congratulated him on finding such a great guy. I couldn’t tell him that I was jealous that he had the guy I wanted so badly. I’m not that kind of person. Plus, I had already gotten used to my friends dating the guys that I liked. So I just played the supportive friend instead and held my emotions deep under the skin where no one else could see.
But I did want to know, why him and not me? Though you may have been the first guy to reject me, you weren’t the first to make me wonder why you didn’t want me even though the signs I was reading said differently.
Yes, I’m aware of how desperate this may sound but I’m trying to be candid. It’s a hard thing, to be honest with yourself about the stuff you do. My best friend teased me often about pining over you. He’d say your name like it was insulting that I even had a thing for you, especially because people referred to you as pizza face. But he didn’t get to see what I saw.
Honestly, I still don’t know why you wanted him and not me. Part of me felt like I was the better option. I felt like I was the kind of person you needed and when you didn’t choose me I was angry. I can’t afford that anymore. I have got to get on with my life. I’ve made strides in my healing. Hell, this letter has been a long time coming. I know I could probably never ask these questions in person so writing them down just seemed to be the best way to communicate.
I don’t want to compare myself any longer to anyone else. I know that I am special and unique and have many great things to offer the man who deserves it. That guy wasn’t you and that’s okay. You are not at fault for not liking me back. We all have to discover what we want in our own time.
So, I forgive you, Wilbert, for rejecting me and making me feel like I wasn’t worth seeing in that way- not that that was your intention I’m sure. And for lying to me about why you didn’t desire me. Truth be told, at the time I thought I’d be able to take the real explanation for why but in actuality you probably spared my feelings. I may have walked away feeling inadequate but at least it wasn’t about who I was. So in that regard, I owe you a thank you.
Also, I forgive myself for comparing myself to my friend and beating myself up for not being more like him. Thinking that that would have made you like me back. I forgive myself for not being happy with who I am at all times and knowing that there is a man in the world will like me just as I am because I do. I’m learning to be better. Much better.
Either way, I am done with the chapter that is you. I’m sure you were done with my paragraph a long time ago. I wish you and my friend a happy, long-lasting relationship and know that someday I will have my own version of happiness. Live well.
Happy as fuck,
Inspired by Grace Carter’s Why Her Not Me