Just looking at your name on this page scares me. I hate to admit it but I still think about you. I fantasize about what it would be like to be held in your arms. And it hurts because I know that ultimately it is merely a fantasy. I tend to do that a lot. Make up these stories that captivate my mind and my heart but leave me feeling empty because the object of the fantasy, I could never have.
You, I could never have.
I feel like you knew what you were doing. As if my liking you was an ego boost so you felt like you could get it both ways if that’s what you wanted. A guy liking you was just your cherry on top. I remember you telling me in so many words that if you did swing my way, I’d be your type. I had what you liked but you’re not gay so…
You know I actually cried over you? That night you had come over for the interview, you left me feeling like I had a chance and I cried because I knew I didn’t. I literally hugged a pillow and cried myself to sleep like a movie. I love movie moments, even the sad ones but I didn’t ever think I’d have that one.
However, to be clear, you blew a lot of smoke. Telling me certain things like your dick size and how passionate a lover you are didn’t help the situation. It only painted the fantasy in more detail. It even bothers me that I still think about you. And it bothers me more that I wonder if you ever think about me. There are a million stories I could tell you to express why I felt the way I did but I don’t think they’re going to do any good. Well, there’s one.
You ghosted me. You literally stopped communicating with me and it was sudden. I tried reaching out multiple times; especially when I was moving but I got radio silence. I know I tried avoiding you in the past but it never stuck because I was stuck on you and part of me was hoping it would be the same for you, but it seemed so easy for you to forget me. Like I was nothing and it’s not like you didn’t know about my feelings.
I have a theory. Well, I have a couple of theories but the one I like the most is this. I think the reason you ghosted me is that you talked to your best friend about me and he told you to let me go. He didn’t want me to go through the same thing you put him through. Making him think you could be together when all along you just liked the attention and he went on comparing every lover he had to you, waiting on the day you’d wake up and realize he was the one. So I think he was looking out for me in some strange way. He knew how hard it was to get over you especially when you are someone who doesn’t like to be gotten over. And truth be told, I was falling right into the trap. So I guess I owe him a thank you.
I want to say you should’ve told me you didn’t want me but the fact of the matter is you did. I guess I was begging for punishment. In my defense, your actions said something else, but I should’ve listened to your words or lack thereof.
I’ve learned that when someone’s actions don’t line up with their words, then they aren’t worth hearing. Plus, that person is certainly confused about what they want. Lesson learned. I’m working on forgiving you. I think you’re the most attached I’ve been to a guy so I may have to work a little bit harder to move past you. But I can do it. This is the first step.
I do forgive myself though for not listening to you the first time and reading into you when you wanted to remain a closed book. I could debate my theories back and forth about why things happened the way they did but the simple fact is that they happened the way they did. I’ll probably never see you again, which may be for the best, but I do hope you find what you’re looking for. I know you’re searching for something. I won’t shed any more tears over you and slowly but surely you are fading from mind. I think part of me was scared that if I let you go, I’d just have a hole where every boy before you stood. That’s something I have to deal with.
I have got to get on with my life so, goodbye, Desmond.
Inspired by Grace Carter’s Silence