Talk About a Crush

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Dear Michael Johnson,

I always said your whole name. I’m not sure why. I guess it kind of made you like the perfect guy in every romantic comedy I’ve ever seen. They always say his full name.

I’m writing this to express to you the things I’ve felt over the years. I know at one point I told you I could write you a letter detailing my experience but you advised against it. I guess I was onto something considering that even a few years later, I’m back to writing you a letter. Funny, huh?

Well, you say you knew that I had feelings for you by the way I acted but I’m not sure that’s how you found out. I have my theories but they aren’t important anymore. I liked you. A lot. I spent the majority of my high school existence pining after you. I know… it’s sad. But I’ve beat myself up enough for it. Crazy to like a guy who doesn’t like you back. But to be clear, my feelings weren’t pulled out of thin air. Most of the time when we were around each other it was like cats and dogs. You didn’t like me and I pretended not to like you but I always felt like there was something there.

Then I would try to explain to myself why a straight guy like you would constantly make advances of the sexual nature and commentary to match to an openly gay guy. Wouldn’t you be nervous I’d take you seriously because that’s what happened? Part of me thought that you didn’t understand what you were doing. The half thought exactly the opposite. You knew and you were playing with me. You’re the first in long line of men who did things to make me think they wanted me and then switch up. I guess you could say you’re a bit of a trendsetter.

But this letter is not to bash you in any way. I just want to let this go. I find it strange how I still hold onto thoughts of you after high school. I’m not crazy but I think didn’t resolve my feelings over you fully, even after I reached out once.

Was I crazy? Was it all in my head? My friends made me think it was. That I wasn’t seeing what I saw but I know. It’s true, you could’ve not meant any of it but it’s also true that you could have. You had a hold on me so strange that even when I came back to visit Major after we all graduated and you showed up unexpectedly, I hid behind Brianna and had a panic attack in the supply closet over you. Yea, it was that bad. Not my proudest moment.
But it helped put things in perspective for me. That I’d let a guy who didn’t even want me have a ton of control. To point where seeing you could stop me in my tracks.

It started with you. And ever since, that’s the way I’ve coped with men who I liked in a one-sided way. You say you knew about my feelings, one way or another so, if that’s true, you should’ve told me you didn’t want me. I spent so much time wondering if you did. Going around and around in my head over everything you did. And it led to being desperate for a dude.

The part that I fell for was the guy that most people didn’t get to see because you were busy being an asshole to cover it up. I don’t know if you remember but you showed him to me, even cried. And it just deepened my desire for you. I fell into the trap like a dumbass- any person would have- the bad guy with a heart of gold. Cliche.

I deserve peace. I really want to let this go. No, my feelings aren’t nearly as strong as they were but I still think I was holding onto a few memories of you both good and bad. I just want to let it all go. Be free and stop living in the world of what if. You’ve gone on to live your life and so should I.

So, Michael Johnson, I forgive you for letting me think I had a shot in hell to get with you while lording it over my head and for never telling me that you didn’t want me so I could be put me out of my misery. And I forgive myself for holding onto you and this for so long. I know it wasn’t healthy but I am now healing myself. I also forgive myself for fantasizing the idea of you and living in my head instead of in reality. I know this is a lot so please take it with a grain of salt.

I hope this letter finds you well. Just so you know- I’m not a stalker of any sort, just a person who feels too much sometimes. If this has made you feel uncomfortable, I apologize. I just wanted to close a chapter. Don’t hate me and be vindictive about it. Thanks for taking the time to read this far. I hope you have a wonderful rest of your life because I know I will.

Finally over it,

N.D.

Inspired by Grace Carter’s Silhouette

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