Fat and Fabulous!

At one point, as a child, I was skinny- sticks and skin but as I got older the pounds just kept coming and never going. I became fat, which led to more ridicule from others because now I was the “fat faggot” instead of just a “faggot.” It got to me so much that I would wear body suppression garments to hide my body better. I thought that it would make me seem thinner, it didn’t. To add insult to injury, I developed boobs, or what my “friends” at the time called moobs (man boobs). I was told that I needed to put on a bra and that my cup size was bigger than the average woman.

All of these things made me look in the mirror and despise what I saw. I didn’t like the fact that I was fat and felt super unattractive because of it. When in actuality it was the people that made me feel unattractive because of my size. Soon it translated into my dating life. Getting older, I took an interest people but always stopped to consider how they might see me, so I held my peace instead. No one wants to date a fat person. This became expressly clear to me when men, specifically gay men, did not want a big bitch. All over the profiles for dating sites read no fats, no blacks, no fems and I was all three.

So that meant I had to be a skinny little white masculine twink to be considered attractive, but I would never be any of those things, so what now? It caused me to come up with a theory based on the good-fast-cheap model. In my model, I could only be two of the three for someone to find an interest in me. I could be either fat or black or feminine but never all three because let’s be real, as humans we eat with our eyes first. I had summed up all of my shortcomings in one phrase, I was fat, black, and feminine and that’s why I was undateable. Then something changed.

I fell in love. With myself. The C cups that tormented me through grade school became a staple. I flaunt them. Yes, I have boobs and they are mighty lickable. I wear clothes that reveal them to the world because one point I wore clothes that would cover them up to avoid people from gawking at me. I wear clothes that fit my body and compliment my shape, no more oversized clothes to hide the fact that I was a larger person with more to offer.

Luckily, I got taller with age but I still wear heels so I can look down at everyone that judged me when I was trying to find my way in the world. I may be fat, but I make this shit look great! I love my body. I love being plus sized, it’s just more to hold onto. I’ve managed to push past those people that told me my weight would be my burden. On the contrary, I’ve never felt freer because I embrace what makes me, me.

So I encourage you. If you are plus size, flaunt it! Live for it, because people will only love and respect you after you love and respect yourself. If you have a gap, smile as hard as you can every day to bring light to this desperate, dark, insecure world. If you’re tall, wear heels that make you even taller and put them on the necks of everyone that was scared to look up and marvel at your beauty. Embrace what makes you different from the person next to you.

Many of the things we see as flaws simply exist because we let someone else convince us that they were. They are your unique characteristics, all yours. Insecure people make insecure people. Be the difference, darling. Walk proudly in whatever body you’re in because you only get one so you have to make it count. And all the people that hated on you for being so unique will line up at the door to take a picture with you and kiss your ass.

Stay beautiful.

-N.D. Johnson

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